How to Dominate a Submissive

The first question every new Dom comes up with is: What should I do now? How do I dominate a submissive? I will show you the most important things you should know for your journey. So that you and your submissive get the fun out of it you are expecting. Because dominating a submissive is not about just dominating someone. It is much more. So let’s dive into it:

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Definition of D/s Relationships

Dominance and submission (D/s) relationships are a form of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism) dynamic where one partner willingly gives power and control to another. This exchange is not merely about physical interactions; it encompasses emotional, psychological, and sometimes lifestyle commitments. D/s relationships can vary greatly in intensity, formality, and practices, but at their core, they are built on a foundation of trust, respect, and mutual satisfaction.

In these dynamics, the dominant partner (often referred to as the “Dom”) takes on the role of the caretaker, decision-maker, and the one who initiates activities or sets boundaries within the agreed-upon framework. Conversely, the submissive partner (referred to as the “sub”) consents to follow the guidance and instructions of the dominant, surrendering control within the limits of their agreement.

Importance of Consent and Communication

Consent and communication are the bedrock upon which safe, healthy, and fulfilling D/s relationships are built. These elements distinguish D/s practices from abuse, ensuring that all activities and dynamics are wanted, negotiated, and enjoyable for both parties involved.

Consent is explicit agreement to participate in specific activities, given freely and informed by all parties involved. It’s a dynamic and ongoing process, meaning it can be revoked or renegotiated at any time. Consent is what makes the power exchange in D/s relationships ethical and enjoyable.

Communication is vital for establishing consent, boundaries, and understanding each other’s needs, desires, and limits. Effective communication involves regular check-ins, honest discussions about emotional and physical well-being, and the ability to give and receive feedback. This open dialogue fosters a deeper connection, enhances trust, and ensures that the relationship remains consensual and mutually satisfying.

Understanding and implementing these foundational aspects of consent and communication not only protect the well-being of both partners but also enhance the depth and intensity of the D/s dynamic, making it a rewarding experience for both the dominant and submissive.

Understanding D/s Dynamics

D/s dynamics are characterized by the exchange of power and control between partners, where one assumes the dominant role and the other the submissive role. This section delves into the essence of both roles, emphasizing their complexities and the profound connection they foster.

The Role of Dominance

Dominance in D/s relationships is about more than just controlling another person; it’s about assuming a role of responsibility, care, and guidance. A dominant partner takes on the task of leading the dynamic, setting boundaries, and ensuring the well-being of the submissive. This role requires a deep understanding of the submissive’s needs, desires, and limits, as well as the ability to make decisions that benefit the relationship.

A dominant’s role can vary widely depending on the individuals involved and their specific agreement. It might include tasks like planning and executing scenes, training the submissive, providing discipline within agreed-upon limits, and offering emotional and physical care. The essence of dominance lies in the balance between control and caretaking, asserting authority while nurturing and respecting the submissive’s well-being and consent.

Understanding Submission

Submission in a D/s relationship is a voluntary act of relinquishing control to the dominant partner. It is a gift of trust and vulnerability, allowing the submissive to explore their desires and limits in a safe, consensual environment. Submission is not about weakness or passivity; rather, it’s an expression of strength and trust, requiring confidence in both the dominant and the relationship’s framework.

Submissives may serve their dominants in various ways, such as following commands, accepting guidance, or enduring discipline. However, the depth of submission varies greatly among individuals, from those who submit only during specific scenes to those who adopt a more submissive role in their daily lives. Regardless of the extent, the core of submission is the consensual exchange of power, driven by the desire to please and be guided by the dominant.

Understanding both the role of dominance and the essence of submission is crucial for anyone involved in or considering a D/s relationship. These roles are complex, filled with nuances that vary widely among individuals and relationships. At their heart, though, is a mutual respect and a consensual exchange of power that can lead to profound emotional and psychological satisfaction.

Foundations of a Healthy D/s Dynamic

A healthy D/s relationship is built on several fundamental principles, with trust and consent at its core, complemented by clear negotiation of limits and the establishment of safewords. These elements create a safe and fulfilling environment for both partners to explore their desires and boundaries.

Trust and Consent

Trust is paramount in a D/s dynamic. It forms the backbone of the relationship, allowing both the dominant and the submissive to feel secure in their roles. This trust is built over time through consistent, honest communication and by demonstrating reliability and respect for each other’s boundaries and well-being.

Consent is equally crucial and must be informed, enthusiastic, and ongoing. It cannot be assumed; it must be explicitly given for all activities, especially as the dynamic evolves. Both partners should feel free to express their desires, hesitations, and boundaries without fear of judgment or retribution. Consent and trust are interlinked, as ongoing consent relies on a foundation of trust, and trust is deepened when consent is respected.

Negotiating Limits and Safewords

Negotiating limits is a fundamental aspect of establishing a D/s dynamic. Limits define what activities or aspects of the relationship are acceptable and desirable to each partner and which are off-limits. Limits can be “soft,” where there is some hesitancy but willingness to explore, or “hard,” where there is no interest in or absolute boundaries against certain activities. Discussing and respecting these limits is essential for the safety and satisfaction of both partners.

Safewords are a critical safety mechanism within D/s dynamics. They are pre-agreed upon words or signals that any partner can use to pause, slow down, or stop a scene or interaction immediately. Safewords allow for clear communication, especially in situations where “no” or other protests may be part of the role-play. Choosing a safeword that is easy to remember and unlikely to be used accidentally is important, and respecting its use is non-negotiable.

The establishment of trust and consent, along with the careful negotiation of limits and the use of safewords, are vital for a healthy and satisfying D/s relationship. These foundations ensure that the dynamic is built on mutual respect and care, allowing both partners to explore their roles safely and with confidence.

Communication is Key

Effective communication is the lifeline of a thriving D/s dynamic, ensuring that both partners feel heard, respected, and cared for. This communication takes on different forms and holds various levels of importance before, during, and after a scene.

Before the Scene

Pre-scene communication is critical for setting expectations, boundaries, and safewords. This is the time to discuss desires, fears, and the specific details of what both partners are hoping to experience during the scene. It’s an opportunity to negotiate limits and ensure that consent is clearly given. Discussing physical and emotional states before engaging in a scene is also essential, as these factors can significantly impact the experience and safety of both partners.

Effective communication before a scene helps build anticipation, reduces anxiety, and ensures that the experience is enjoyable and fulfilling for both the dominant and the submissive. It sets the stage for a successful interaction, where both partners feel confident in their roles and the safety of their dynamic.

During the Scene

Communication doesn’t stop once a scene begins; it shifts to non-verbal cues and pre-discussed signals. While safewords are a critical part of communication during a scene, the dominant partner should also be attentive to the submissive’s body language, breathing, and reactions to gauge their well-being and comfort levels continuously. Submissives should feel empowered to use safewords or signals if they feel uncomfortable or need to pause or stop the scene.

The dominant’s role includes checking in verbally when appropriate, especially during longer or more intense scenes, to ensure the submissive is still consenting and enjoying the experience. This ongoing communication helps maintain the scene’s integrity, keeping it within the boundaries of consent and enjoyment for both parties.

Aftercare Communication

Aftercare is an essential aspect of any D/s scene, providing both partners with the opportunity to decompress, discuss the scene, and address any emotional or physical aftereffects. This period allows for the reinforcement of trust and care, showing mutual respect and concern for each other’s well-being. Communication during aftercare can include expressing what was enjoyed, any moments of discomfort, and how both partners felt throughout the experience.

Aftercare is also the time to discuss any drop in emotions or physical sensations that might occur in the days following a scene. Openly discussing these experiences strengthens the relationship, ensuring both partners feel supported and understood.

In summary, communication before, during, and after a scene is fundamental to a healthy and fulfilling D/s dynamic. It ensures that the relationship remains grounded in consent and mutual satisfaction, fostering a deeper connection and trust between the dominant and submissive.

Exploring Dominance

Exploring dominance involves a journey of self-discovery and understanding the needs and desires of your submissive. It’s about finding a style of dominance that resonates with you and aligns with your submissive’s expectations and limits. This exploration enhances the D/s dynamic, making it more fulfilling and profound for both partners.

Finding Your Style

Dominance is not a one-size-fits-all role; it encompasses a wide range of attitudes, behaviors, and practices. Some dominants may adopt a nurturing and caring approach, guiding their submissive with a gentle hand, while others may prefer a more strict and authoritative style. Your dominance style might also incorporate elements of playfulness, sadism, mentorship, or control, depending on your personality and the preferences of your submissive.

To find your dominance style, reflect on what aspects of control and guidance feel most natural and exciting to you. Consider your strengths and how they can be utilized within the dynamic. Experimenting with different approaches and activities can also help you understand what resonates with you and your partner. Remember, dominance is a role that should bring satisfaction and empowerment to you, just as submission should fulfill your partner.

Understanding Your Submissive

A crucial aspect of being a good dominant is understanding your submissive’s needs, desires, limits, and the way they communicate non-verbally. Each submissive is unique, with their own set of fantasies, fears, and triggers. Taking the time to learn about your submissive’s psychological and emotional makeup can greatly enhance the D/s dynamic. This involves listening to their feedback, observing their reactions during scenes, and being attuned to their body language and emotional states.

Understanding your submissive also means recognizing when they need support, guidance, or space. It’s about nurturing their growth, pushing their boundaries safely, and respecting their limits. A deep understanding of your submissive will allow you to tailor your dominance to create a more meaningful and satisfying dynamic for both of you.

Exploring dominance is an ongoing process that evolves with your relationship. It requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to learn and adapt. By finding your style and understanding your submissive, you can build a D/s dynamic that is enriching, fulfilling, and deeply connected.

Planning and Preparation

A successful D/s scene requires thoughtful planning and preparation, both mentally and physically, by both the dominant and the submissive. This stage is crucial for ensuring that the experience is safe, consensual, and fulfilling for all involved.

Scene Planning

Scene planning involves discussing and deciding on the activities that will take place, setting the scene’s intensity level, and determining any specific roles or fantasies to be explored. This process should be collaborative, with both partners expressing their desires, limits, and expectations. The dominant might take the lead in organizing the scene, but the submissive’s input is essential to ensure that the scene aligns with both partners’ comfort levels and interests.

Planning also includes preparing the environment where the scene will take place. This could involve setting up equipment, choosing appropriate music, adjusting lighting, and ensuring all necessary safety tools and aftercare supplies are readily available. The goal is to create an atmosphere that enhances the experience and puts both partners in the right headspace.

Mental and Physical Preparation

Mental preparation is just as important as the physical setup. Both partners should spend time getting into their respective roles, which might involve personal rituals, meditation, or discussion about the scene to help transition into the mindset of dominance or submission. This mental preparation helps deepen the connection during the scene and enhances the overall experience.

Physical preparation includes ensuring both partners are in good health, have had enough rest, and are not under the influence of substances that could impair judgment or physical response. It’s also important to have a meal or snack beforehand to maintain energy levels, especially for longer or more physically demanding scenes.

Lastly, checking in with each other’s emotional and physical states before starting the scene is vital. This final step of preparation ensures that both partners are fully present, consenting, and ready to embark on their shared experience.

In essence, thorough planning and preparation are key to a successful and satisfying D/s scene. They not only ensure safety and consent but also enhance the depth and enjoyment of the experience, allowing both the dominant and submissive to fully immerse themselves in the dynamic.

During the Scene

A D/s scene is a dynamic interplay between the dominant and submissive, where careful attention to the established structure, ongoing consent, and the emotional and physical responses of both partners is paramount. Here’s how to navigate these aspects effectively during the scene.

Asserting Dominance

Asserting dominance is about more than just control; it’s about guiding the scene with confidence and ensuring the submissive’s needs and limits are respected. This can be achieved through various means, such as verbal commands, physical gestures, or the use of props, depending on the nature of the scene and the preferences of both partners. The key to effective dominance is maintaining an awareness of the submissive’s reactions and being responsive to their needs, all while steering the scene according to the agreed-upon framework.

Asserting dominance also involves embodying the role with confidence. This could mean maintaining a certain posture, tone of voice, or mannerisms that reinforce the dynamic. The dominant’s assurance in their role can significantly enhance the submissive’s experience, allowing them to surrender more fully to the moment.

Monitoring and Adjusting

Continuous monitoring of the submissive’s physical and emotional state is essential for a safe and enjoyable scene. This means being attuned to non-verbal cues, such as body language and breathing patterns, as well as any verbal feedback. It’s important for the dominant to recognize signs of distress or discomfort and to adjust the scene accordingly. This might involve slowing down, changing activities, or in some cases, stopping the scene entirely.

Adjusting also means being flexible with the planned activities. Despite thorough preparation, not everything may go as expected. The dominant should be prepared to modify the scene, incorporating feedback from the submissive and adapting to the evolving dynamics of their interaction.

The use of safewords (or safe signals in scenarios where speaking may not be possible) is a crucial aspect of monitoring and adjusting. Both partners should feel comfortable using safewords without hesitation, knowing that it will prompt an immediate response.

During a scene, the balance between asserting dominance and monitoring and adjusting based on the submissive’s feedback is critical. It ensures that the experience is both exhilarating and safe, deepening the trust and connection between the dominant and submissive. By navigating these aspects with care and attention, both partners can explore their boundaries and desires in a consensual and fulfilling manner.


Aftercare is a critical component of the D/s dynamic, serving as an essential practice to ensure the emotional and physical well-being of both the dominant and submissive after a scene. It helps partners transition back to their everyday roles and responsibilities while nurturing their connection.


The significance of aftercare stems from its role in addressing the physical and emotional impact of a scene. D/s activities can be intense, involving a wide range of emotions and physical exertion. Aftercare provides a space for recovery and reconnection, allowing both partners to reflect on the experience, offer mutual support, and reaffirm their care for one another.

Emotionally, aftercare can help prevent feelings of abandonment or neglect that might arise after the heightened vulnerability of a scene. It aids in processing any intense emotions, ensuring that both partners feel valued and grounded. Physically, aftercare might involve tending to any marks or strains resulting from the scene, helping to comfort and heal.

Best Practices

The practices of aftercare can vary greatly among individuals and relationships, tailored to the specific needs and preferences of the partners involved. Here are some universally recognized best practices:

  • Immediate Physical Comfort: This might include providing warmth through blankets, hydrating with water, or offering gentle touches and cuddles. Attending to any minor injuries or discomforts is also part of physical aftercare.
  • Emotional Support: Engaging in quiet conversation, offering affirmations, and sharing feelings about the scene can all be part of emotional aftercare. This time allows both partners to express appreciation, concerns, and any overwhelming feelings that arose during the scene.
  • Quiet Time Together: Sometimes, aftercare involves simply being in each other’s presence without the need for conversation. Lying together in silence can be a powerful way to reconnect and transition gently back to normalcy.
  • Discussing the Scene: While immediate aftercare may focus more on comfort and support, discussing the details of the scene and any feedback can be part of later aftercare. This reflection can be crucial for growth and understanding in the dynamic.
  • Check-ins: Aftercare doesn’t end once the immediate moment is over. Checking in with each other in the days following a scene is important to address any delayed emotional or physical reactions.

Aftercare is a deeply personal process, and what works best will depend on the preferences and needs of the individuals involved. Open communication about aftercare needs is just as important as negotiating the scene itself. Ensuring that both partners feel cared for and respected in the aftermath of a scene strengthens the trust and bond within the D/s relationship, paving the way for future explorations.

Growing Together

A D/s relationship, like any other, is a journey of continuous growth and learning. Each session offers unique insights into desires, boundaries, and the dynamic itself. Embracing these opportunities for learning and evolution can deepen the connection between partners and enrich their experience over time.

Learning from Each Session

Every D/s session, whether it’s a resounding success or encounters unexpected challenges, is a learning opportunity. Reflecting on the session together allows both partners to understand what worked well and what might need adjustment. This reflection can cover aspects such as communication, the activities that were most enjoyable or impactful, the effectiveness of safewords, and the emotional responses evoked.

Learning from each session also means acknowledging and celebrating successes, no matter how small. Recognizing growth and achievement encourages both partners and strengthens their bond. Additionally, discussing any discomfort or issues that arose can prevent future misunderstandings and foster a safer, more enjoyable environment for exploration.

Evolving Dynamics

D/s dynamics are not static; they evolve as partners grow individually and together. Openness to this evolution is key to maintaining a fulfilling relationship. Changes might include exploring new roles or activities, adjusting the intensity of the dynamic, or incorporating elements from different types of BDSM play.

Evolving dynamics also reflect the deepening trust and understanding between partners. As confidence in each other’s respect and care grows, so does the willingness to explore more vulnerable or intense aspects of the dynamic. This evolution can lead to a more profound and satisfying connection, where both partners feel seen, valued, and fulfilled.

Adaptability and communication are crucial as the dynamic evolves. Regular check-ins and discussions about desires, boundaries, and the overall direction of the relationship ensure that both partners remain aligned and satisfied with their journey together.

In conclusion, growth within a D/s relationship is a continuous process, fueled by learning from each session and being open to the evolution of the dynamic. By embracing change and maintaining open lines of communication, partners can ensure their relationship remains vibrant, fulfilling, and mutually rewarding.

I hope that helps you to understand more how you will get into your role as a dominant. To find out more, get my e-book aout that topic and join my mailing list where i will share more information every week.


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