When Boundaries Are Crossed: Steps to Take

In any relationship, especially in Dominant/submissive dynamics, it’s inevitable that boundaries may occasionally be crossed, even unintentionally. When this happens, it’s crucial to handle the situation properly to protect the trust, respect, and safety within the relationship. In this article, we’ll explore what steps to take when boundaries are crossed in a D/s relationship.

Recognizing a Breach

The first step is recognizing that a boundary has been crossed. This may seem straightforward, but in the heat of a scene, it can sometimes be more challenging. It’s important for both parties to be in tune with their feelings and trust their intuition. If something feels off or uncomfortable, it’s likely a sign that a boundary has been crossed.

BDSM Checklist with more than 300 KINKS

Communicate Immediately

The moment you realize a boundary has been breached, it’s essential to communicate it immediately. As a submissive, use your safe word to halt the scene. As a Dominant, if you notice discomfort or perceive a boundary has been unintentionally crossed, stop the scene and check in with your submissive. Open, clear, and immediate communication is key to addressing the issue before it escalates.

Discuss the Situation

Once the situation has been defused, it’s important to have an open and honest conversation about what happened. Discuss the boundary that was crossed, how it made both parties feel, and what led to the situation. This is not about assigning blame, but about understanding and learning from the experience.

Apologize and Validate Feelings

If you’re the one who has crossed a boundary, apologize sincerely. An apology acknowledges your mistake and validates the other person’s feelings. It’s a crucial step in rebuilding trust. Remember, it’s essential to be patient with yourself and your partner during this process, as emotions can run high.

Review Boundaries and Safe Words

After addressing the issue, it’s a good idea to review your boundaries and safe words. Ensure both parties have a clear understanding of the established boundaries, and perhaps discuss whether any should be adjusted based on the experience.

Seek Professional Help if Necessary

In some cases, a boundary being crossed can lead to intense emotions or even trauma. If this is the case, it may be beneficial to seek help from a professional counselor or therapist, preferably one who is familiar with or specializes in D/s dynamics.

Remember the Importance of Aftercare

After a boundary has been crossed, aftercare becomes even more crucial. Providing physical comfort, emotional support, and reassurance can help the submissive, and the Dominant, to recover and process the experience.


Boundaries in a D/s relationship are there to provide safety, comfort, and structure. When these are crossed, it can be damaging, but it’s not the end of the relationship. By recognizing the breach, communicating openly, validating feelings, and revisiting boundaries, you can overcome these obstacles and continue to grow in your D/s relationship. It’s crucial to remember that everyone makes mistakes; it’s how we handle and learn from them that defines our relationships’ resilience and strength.


aftercare, reassurance, sadism, shame, support, Top guilt

You may also like

Get in touch

0 of 350

Free Book:
How to be a good Dom

Get our Book with 10 Chapters of Knowledge, what you must know to be a good Dom.